In the summer the synthetic turf will burn, and in the winter the cold air will freeze your lungs!
The edge of the pitch must be scattered with empty Gatorade and water bottles.
Someone will kick the ball onto the clubhouse roof.
The unofficial dress code must be upheld. No player will arrive wearing the same shirt as another, at least one player will sport a retro jersey and a pair of decent football socks, like a good heart, is hard to find.
There's always that one mate who arrives late every week and apologises like it's the first time this has ever happened.
Everyone's sports bags will be clustered around one goal, thus preventing bounce-back opportunities for the team attacking at that end.
There is no half-time in five-a-side!
Delusion is a must! Most think that they are better than they are.
There is always one old cobber that can’t run but has a mean shot!
Rain must never stop your weekly game!
There is always one ridiculously small bib in a pile which can only be worn around the neck or under the armpits like a sports bra. That’s after the bloke that drew the short straw has struggled into it.
The ball hitting the back fence or crossbar above head height, causes rule confusion and potentially blow-ups resulting in a player storming off the pitch vowing to never play with a bunch of cheats again.
Every game will have a defender who tells everyone else what to do but doesn’t do it themselves.
All goals you score are brilliant and shall be shared in great detail after the game, via group chat, to your girlfriend, your children, at work and anytime you speak to anyone really for weeks afterwards.
The people on after you can be quietly encouraged to come on the pitch early in an attempt to defend a tight lead.
The people on the pitch before you always take ages to get off, but the people after you will come on bang on the hour.